footprints in my heart...

i never really make these, i tend to do them during lent. it's basically making a promise or a sincere effort to better yourself and there wasn't anything huge and specific that i wanted to change, like quit smoking (i don't smoke) or go to the gym everyday (i'm too lazy & i've accepted that). it's usually just a small mindset of trying to do better. if anything, my resolutions would be to be on time. like my friend said, she's a recovering late-aholic and i can be too.

this year, i'm sorta making one. again, it's not something so big and obvious, but something i need to do. i realize that i have a lot of trust issues. trusting myself as well as others. sometimes i trust myself more than others, leading to my control freakiness. sometimes i don't trust others with my emotions or i'm too worried of what they'll think of me, so i don't trust that they'll love and accept me regardless. sometimes i don't trust myself to do the right thing because i've screwed up in the past. but i'm finding more and more lately that i can trust myself and that there are people i can trust. people who i thought didn't understand, actually do. like my mother. when i was a teenager or even in college, i thought she could never understand my problems-because of the cultural differences, the age, my perception that my parents just wanted me to be in a little box forever. but i recently opened up to her and she gave me sound advice while expressing times when she had to go through the same thing. i think i'll pick her brain and heart more often with my life issues.

i'm surprised when people i do things for actually do thoughtful things for me too. it's a wonderful surprise but i do need to trust that they care about me too and are willing to go out of their way for me. i need to trust in other people's capabilities. even if they do things differently, that's okay and the tasks will still get done.

i need to not worry so much about what other people think and continue to remind myself not to get swept up in their opinions and what they think i should do or how they think i should handle myself and the situations i get into. when i listen to people who react more combative than me i get into situations that i just don't normally get into (i'm not very confrontational, much less combative). i need to trust that i know myself well enough to do what is right for me. i can listen to people's advice, but i need to filter it and still do it my way. most often, their way is sooo not my way, how they handle things is not necessarily how i should handle things. cuz who gets to pay for the consequences when things go awry? me, not them, even if i followed their way. a longtime, wise friend of mine told me recently that i'm an intuitive person and that i know what i need to do. he was speaking in context of health and what my body needs, but i think he meant that as a whole as well-that i do know what's best for me. i realized then that i need to just trust my intuitions and that i'll know what to do at the right time for me. praying about it helps too. cuz most often, it's in His time, not mine. but i have to let Him work through me too.

this past year was tough in terms of friendships. there were people who i wanted to be friends with, friendships that are scarred, friends who have grown distant, friends who are just busy. especially after college, it's been much more difficult to cultivate them. but i guess i'm growing up and figuring out who will stick around and become family and who may just remain as acquaintances. and i'm learning that i can't please everyone and not everyone will like me. friends and acquaintances will come and go. in the end, there's just me and my family and those friends who have become family.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
i made a promise to myself in november 2002. that was a very rough year with lots and lots of fun, but no goodness. i made a decision: to cultivate good, solid relationships and focus on things that last in my life, not just on fleeting moments. i think i was thinking about it in the context of boyfriends and pleasure. but it defintely translates to everything in my life, especially the friendships. it's funny, cuz when i think about it, that's when all the challenges came about, after i made that decision. challenges with friendships as well as blessings with gl, who was raised building only solid relationships with people, not fleeting pleasures. i've also made new friends who are all about the building good relationships. i think God's trying to help me clean up my life, letting me know what parts i need to clean up and sweep away while giving me blessings of people who will strengthen me and help me to do that. thank you, Lord.

have a very merry CHRISTmas everyone!