Friday, January 23, 2004
learning to laugh at myself
so i do have something to write this lovely friday... (oh my, this is a long one! consider yourselves forewarned!)
when i was 7, my dad was here in the states and my mom, my brother and i were still in the philippines (my youngest brother not born yet). my dad sent us (me) a monopoly game set. of course i was waay excited. it was a new, very complicated game. it had all those shiny cool pieces and play money! and it was mine! i write that last sentence because i had been an only child for almost 6 years and i was still adjusting to the whole sharing of my things and attention, even though i knew i was supposed to be a good Ate (big sister in tagalog) and be mature about things like that. anyway, we were over at my grandmother's house and i had already played the game with my yaya (nanny), so i knew how to play the game. my uncles and my mom and i were playing, but no one else knew how to play and i was trying to teach them. well, they just started making up their own rules and fooling around, laughing and having fun. and i was fuming! i had been getting more and more frustrated as they didn't follow the rules. and the complete disregard for my game made me so mad! the tagalog word for it is pikon (dictionary meaning: easily angered by jokes or jests, touchy) talagang napikon ako sa walang respeto na ginawa nila! (i really got angry at the disrespect they displayed!) even now, i can remember so clearly the anger and frustration that i felt back then! and i cried! i cried to my mama saying, they're not playing the game right!!! and they were all laughing at me too! i think that made me more mad, but what came out were more tears!
why did i tell this story? cuz crap, even at 7 years old, i was such a little uptight-follow-the-rules-you-have-to-do-it-this-way little girl. and i couldn't get past the fact that they weren't playing the game "right". i couldn't see that they were just having fun and that was the point of the game, of any game-to have fun. me, i had to play the game right in order to have fun.
so one of my lessons that day was that it wasn't anything to cry about, and of course, my uncles calmed down and just played "right" to make the little kid feel better. but crap, was i a little brat! i don't think i really learned anything more at that moment though. thinking back now, i think my mom should've taken me aside and processed with me a little more about how i don't have to have it my way all the time and that sometimes, you can change the rules of a game or even make it up and that was okay cuz the point is to have fun. but she didn't, and i continued growing up thinking that there were certain ways to do things and there were correct ways to do things and so forth. god, i don't know how the heck i grew up with friends. i don't know that i bossed them around, cuz somewhere along the way, i learned to get along and share and even give. but i think that was all still in the context of acting in a certain way because that's what you're supposed to do-the right way.
so this type of behavior isn't really liked much obviously. so i've tried, honestly tried to not be so control-freaky. mostly cuz it's disliked, made fun of. and dude, nobody likes to be made fun of. so i try to avoid those situations-standing out too much, being weird, whatever to not be made fun of. i remember in high school, i would get so hurt when people would be just messing around and then they say just kidding, but crap, i took it to heart and i would feel so hurt! i would get pikon again, even if i didn't show it. i'd laugh, but not really.
so last week the young adults of our little heaven sent youth ministry were having a long planning meeting and we were trying to choose positions and tasks-sort of like determining the officers of a club-who's gonna do what. it was based on who's good at doing what and likes doing it. one of the tasks were "conducting meetings, making sure there's someone to do whatever is needed"-basically a president-type of position. everyone was all quiet, nobody really wanted that task. i finally spoke up and said, i like doing that stuff. it was like they let out a sigh of relief! we went around giving ourselves funny, unique names in the theme of freaks, like the spritual/educational directors were Jesus-freaks and the treasurer was the money-freak and the activities diirectors were fellowship-freaks. and guess what i was? i was the control-freak. oh my god, we had such a huge laugh over that! and i totally embraced it. in other times of my life, i probably wouldn't have spoken up, for fear that people would think i'm trying to control everything. in other times of my life, i would've been embarassed about my detail-orientedness and my perfectionism (did i make up a new word?) for a long time, i've tried to train myself to just let things go and not take things and myself so seriously at times. this was the first time i really just accepted who i am and loved myself (no not loved myself... who was thinking that?). i felt proud of who i am and just laughed at myself. gl was soo embarassed... he was like, oh my god, my girlfriend's a control freak, and she's so proud of it too! heck yeah, i'm proud of it. for 2 things: (1) i'm learning to love and accept who i am and not hold other people's opinion of me so highly; (2) i'm learning to laugh at myself-at all my little quirks that i used to try to hide or deny.
i was thinking the other day that my teenage years took double the time. i feel like i'm just starting to grow out of that stage where you just want to be accepted by people and that was the most important thing. i'm finally starting to think independently and really choosing who to listen to. i look at my mom and my grandma, observing what they do, knowing that that's exactly what i'll grow up to be. they're neurotic, sometimes bossy, anal-retentive, picky, sometimes acting on some strange logic that really doesn't make any sense. i used to complain to gl about it, now i just tell him, you know i'm gonna be like that right? and then he rolls his eyes, thinking oh god, no!. but you know what? they're absolutely phenomenal women! they're hard-working, loving, accomplished, organized, dependable, well-respected and very much loved! i'm so proud to be their daughter and granddaughter and i would be proud to grow up to be the women that they are!
happy friday! love each other and love yourself!
when i was 7, my dad was here in the states and my mom, my brother and i were still in the philippines (my youngest brother not born yet). my dad sent us (me) a monopoly game set. of course i was waay excited. it was a new, very complicated game. it had all those shiny cool pieces and play money! and it was mine! i write that last sentence because i had been an only child for almost 6 years and i was still adjusting to the whole sharing of my things and attention, even though i knew i was supposed to be a good Ate (big sister in tagalog) and be mature about things like that. anyway, we were over at my grandmother's house and i had already played the game with my yaya (nanny), so i knew how to play the game. my uncles and my mom and i were playing, but no one else knew how to play and i was trying to teach them. well, they just started making up their own rules and fooling around, laughing and having fun. and i was fuming! i had been getting more and more frustrated as they didn't follow the rules. and the complete disregard for my game made me so mad! the tagalog word for it is pikon (dictionary meaning: easily angered by jokes or jests, touchy) talagang napikon ako sa walang respeto na ginawa nila! (i really got angry at the disrespect they displayed!) even now, i can remember so clearly the anger and frustration that i felt back then! and i cried! i cried to my mama saying, they're not playing the game right!!! and they were all laughing at me too! i think that made me more mad, but what came out were more tears!
why did i tell this story? cuz crap, even at 7 years old, i was such a little uptight-follow-the-rules-you-have-to-do-it-this-way little girl. and i couldn't get past the fact that they weren't playing the game "right". i couldn't see that they were just having fun and that was the point of the game, of any game-to have fun. me, i had to play the game right in order to have fun.
so one of my lessons that day was that it wasn't anything to cry about, and of course, my uncles calmed down and just played "right" to make the little kid feel better. but crap, was i a little brat! i don't think i really learned anything more at that moment though. thinking back now, i think my mom should've taken me aside and processed with me a little more about how i don't have to have it my way all the time and that sometimes, you can change the rules of a game or even make it up and that was okay cuz the point is to have fun. but she didn't, and i continued growing up thinking that there were certain ways to do things and there were correct ways to do things and so forth. god, i don't know how the heck i grew up with friends. i don't know that i bossed them around, cuz somewhere along the way, i learned to get along and share and even give. but i think that was all still in the context of acting in a certain way because that's what you're supposed to do-the right way.
so this type of behavior isn't really liked much obviously. so i've tried, honestly tried to not be so control-freaky. mostly cuz it's disliked, made fun of. and dude, nobody likes to be made fun of. so i try to avoid those situations-standing out too much, being weird, whatever to not be made fun of. i remember in high school, i would get so hurt when people would be just messing around and then they say just kidding, but crap, i took it to heart and i would feel so hurt! i would get pikon again, even if i didn't show it. i'd laugh, but not really.
so last week the young adults of our little heaven sent youth ministry were having a long planning meeting and we were trying to choose positions and tasks-sort of like determining the officers of a club-who's gonna do what. it was based on who's good at doing what and likes doing it. one of the tasks were "conducting meetings, making sure there's someone to do whatever is needed"-basically a president-type of position. everyone was all quiet, nobody really wanted that task. i finally spoke up and said, i like doing that stuff. it was like they let out a sigh of relief! we went around giving ourselves funny, unique names in the theme of freaks, like the spritual/educational directors were Jesus-freaks and the treasurer was the money-freak and the activities diirectors were fellowship-freaks. and guess what i was? i was the control-freak. oh my god, we had such a huge laugh over that! and i totally embraced it. in other times of my life, i probably wouldn't have spoken up, for fear that people would think i'm trying to control everything. in other times of my life, i would've been embarassed about my detail-orientedness and my perfectionism (did i make up a new word?) for a long time, i've tried to train myself to just let things go and not take things and myself so seriously at times. this was the first time i really just accepted who i am and loved myself (no not loved myself... who was thinking that?). i felt proud of who i am and just laughed at myself. gl was soo embarassed... he was like, oh my god, my girlfriend's a control freak, and she's so proud of it too! heck yeah, i'm proud of it. for 2 things: (1) i'm learning to love and accept who i am and not hold other people's opinion of me so highly; (2) i'm learning to laugh at myself-at all my little quirks that i used to try to hide or deny.
i was thinking the other day that my teenage years took double the time. i feel like i'm just starting to grow out of that stage where you just want to be accepted by people and that was the most important thing. i'm finally starting to think independently and really choosing who to listen to. i look at my mom and my grandma, observing what they do, knowing that that's exactly what i'll grow up to be. they're neurotic, sometimes bossy, anal-retentive, picky, sometimes acting on some strange logic that really doesn't make any sense. i used to complain to gl about it, now i just tell him, you know i'm gonna be like that right? and then he rolls his eyes, thinking oh god, no!. but you know what? they're absolutely phenomenal women! they're hard-working, loving, accomplished, organized, dependable, well-respected and very much loved! i'm so proud to be their daughter and granddaughter and i would be proud to grow up to be the women that they are!
happy friday! love each other and love yourself!
Comments:
Post a Comment
quotable quotes
-
"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks
nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, live, and love."
~unknown
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
~ Abraham Lincoln
"live a life that others will remember years from now, NOT because it pointed to you but because of how it pointed to the One who made you."
~ Mark Hart, the Bible Geek
"we grow up learning to become self-reliant, but really we need to be God-reliant"
"we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box"
"never wound hearts that love u, never give them the endless pain, because wounded hearts are like roses that never bloom"
"there comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we'd let go"
