Monday, June 21, 2004
my papa
i pretended i was sleeping as he carried me up to my bed when i was 7
he built my pabitin grid1 and gave me the prizes i wanted when i couldn't reach them
and i loved him for it
he went away to america for three years when i was 6 or 7
he was my santa claus even when i was too old to believe
i defended him to my 3rd grade classmates, saying,
"how can my papa be santa claus? he's all the way in america!"
that was before i knew about balikbayan2 boxes
santa wrote me a note, saying that he couldn't give me everything i wanted because he had to give some to the other children
and i memorized his handwriting, halfway between calligraphy and chicken scratch
and i loved him
when i arrived in the states, i hugged him
but he had become only a figure to me
as i grew, i recognized his handwriting and figured "santa" out
but of course, i still loved him
high school came and i didn't behave like a "filipina"
i tried making the argument that they're raising me in this country now!
and he still got the last word saying (shouting),
"but you're still a filipina!"
i lied, i disrespected, i felt restricted, caged, i wanted to get away
but yes, i still loved him
there were more than a few times when he threatened to kick me out
and i cried even more
when he said that the only reason they're so protective of me
is because i am the most precious thing to them
i'll never forget how precious it was for me to hear those words
*tears*
he loves me
college came and college went
he didn't agree with my decisions, i know
but still, he let me live my life.
i came back home and i hadn't grown up
the threats in high school became a reality and it wasn't at all pretty
but still...
he took me back, saying to my mom,
"ok, if she keeps her room clean and washes everyone else's clothes too, not just hers."
i tell them where i'm going now
cuz i know they worry
and i don't stay out till god knows when anymore
at least not regularly
my room still isn't clean though
but they don't yell...much
we talk about sports
and politics
and decisions in my life
and he says,
"that's good, chay"
but the point is
we talk
i wrote on my father's day card
"You are the best man I know."
because he is.
for all of his values
for all of his honor
for all of his devotion
i love him.
i love you papa! happy father's day! you see, i did grow up finally! and i hope you're proud of me despite my mistakes.
*omg, i have to stop crying, i'm in the middle of work!*
1pabitin = a game with prizes hung on a square grid made of wood. the grid hangs above and kids jump up and down reaching for prizes they desire, while someone pulls on the grid, making it go up and down
2balikbayan = literally means, "return to the homeland/country", these are boxes with goodies that are sent back to the philippines by loved ones in the states.
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quotable quotes
-
"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks
nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, live, and love."
~unknown
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
~ Abraham Lincoln
"live a life that others will remember years from now, NOT because it pointed to you but because of how it pointed to the One who made you."
~ Mark Hart, the Bible Geek
"we grow up learning to become self-reliant, but really we need to be God-reliant"
"we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box"
"never wound hearts that love u, never give them the endless pain, because wounded hearts are like roses that never bloom"
"there comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we'd let go"
