footprints in my heart...

sometimes, the differences between gl & i make me nervous. i'm usually pretty good at pushing them aside, because we have more in common than we have differences. and our differences, i feel, are minor, compared to what we actually do share. but sometimes it makes me nervous because i'm afraid he won't be as open to what i appreciate. i don't need him to love it as i do. but just to be open to it at least. open enough to try things out.

there are some differences between how he practices his faith and how i practice mine. i try to go to his stuff and am open to how they do things. there's a part of him that he feels has been "burned" by the catholic faith. like it let him down many years ago. and sometimes, those feelings still linger. but i'm glad he's being open to things that i invite him to now.

but part of me is nervous. nervous that he won't get it, nervous that he'll think it's walang kwenta (doesn't count/worthless). especially when it's something so precious to me, i hope that he appreciates it too. but i know i can't ask him for anything more than to love our God. and he does! but how he wants to love Him should be up to him. i just don't want him to think it's invalid. yeah, i guess that's it. i run the risk that he'll put it down and i'll have to defend it again. and i'm just not as knowledgeable to be able to defend it logically. i need to study apologetics. sometimes it's frustrating. but at the same time, i wish i didn't have to defend my catholicism. i never had to question it before in my life, so i never had to seek answers for such questions. now that someone else is shoving those questions in my face, i need to be able to have these answers. there's beauty in blind faith, but some people need to understand the logic and reasoning behind it and i should be able to share such things. *sigh* now, the journey starts.

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sometimes i don't blog for a while, cuz there's just too many things in my head to write down. sometimes, i'm afraid to share what's on my mind and heart too. afraid to be vulnerable, afraid of what people will think, afraid to let people into my life. then there are times, when i ignore the things in my head that i really ought to process. things that i need to think about and i ignore it because i don't want to deal with it. so i don't blog. then, like today, when i just want to share a teeny-tiny bit, i ended up really going through my emotions and assessing why i feel what i'm feeling. in the entry above, i started out just nervous and ended up discovering that this is my challenge. i've been busy organizing, directing heaven sent and guiding and advising for days. i think i've got the service part down. i've been doing it for years, after all. but i know what i'm lacking. and i know what i have to work on now. i need to read more, i need the personal reflection time and put in the energy to know Him, His work, and His church. this will be my struggle and challenge. *sigh* am i up for it? glenn always says that once you surrender your life to Him, it doesn't get easier. in fact, it gets harder. He puts challenges in front of you to overcome and your work for Him gets larger because He'll entrust you with more to do for His people. i haven't felt the difficulty, cuz i've encorporated the service in my life. i've encorporated that kind of sacrifice of time and energy already. i'm used to it. now, He's calling me to serve in another way. just when i'm so tired of school and studying, He's calling me to study Him. You have such an ironic sense of humor, Lord. i think You're up there just laughing at us sometimes. but i know you're laughing cuz you know that it'll be worth it and we'll soon be with You. and that is my comfort. through the stresses and the pressure, You are my comfort. anything for you, my Lord, basta ikaw!