footprints in my heart...

did you ever wake up with a feeling that you've been crying all night? i sometimes have dreams where i've been crying. and i wake up not with puffy eyes, but with a tired chest and heart. you know, like after crying, not just tears, but with hiccups and heavy boo-hoo-ing. it hasn't happened often for me. but i remember these emotional dreams well.

last night's dream was actually a pretty happy one. it was about me and my dad. we've had a pretty difficult relationship as i was growing up, especially during the teenage years. (didn't we all?) and even through college, communication was never great... or even existent. and i always kind of wished that i had a dad that i could talk to or have something in common with. like those on tv. they'd help you with homework and give you advice... well, that wasn't my reality. we drifted apart a lot, talking only of basketball and always feeling like i was never good enough... or good at all. he was always concerned about my character. and although he was always proud of my academic achievement, he was always more concerned about the kind of person i am. throughout high school and college, there was always a battle between what i wanted to do and what he thought i should be doing. at one point, i brought up the classic, "you're raising me in america!" and he responded with the very true, "but you're still a filipina!" *sigh* fast foward 10 years and here we are. it's not a tv land relationship by any means. but there is a growing relationship. i ask him about things and he responds as best he knows. we talk about my career, our family and sports (thank god for basketball!) we talk about politics and still disagree. but it's definitely not the cold war that i lived through as a teenage girl. i understand him a lot more and we've both learned to love and accept each other as we are.

so back to the dream. it's months after my birthday (oh, sorta like now). i was sitting on the floor of my room cleaning and my mom handed me 2 little boxes, one was smaller than the other, both gift wrapped with a teenie tiny tag that said: to tootsie rose from papa. and i said, aww, he didn't have to! my mom said to open it and i opened the little one first. it was a pair of earrings like the ones i had when i was a little girl. little studs of periwinkle blue stone. they were slightly larger than the ones i had as a child, but still the same stone. i thought it was very sentimental, like he put so much thought into it and i started crying in the dream. then my mom urged me to open the other one and i did. i tipped the box upside down to empty its contents into my hand and out came a porcelain figurine of winnie the pooh! it was white and very lovely. (there was a time when i loved pooh and tigger. i'm pretty much over it now.) but for him to take the time and effort to find out what things i liked, kahit na outdated (even if it's outdated), i thought that that was a really nice gesture! i "awwww-ed" over the little pooh bear and cried even more. he was sitting in a chair out in the kitchen and i ran to him and gave him a big hug from the back(we're not this affectionate normally at all) and just kept hugging him while telling him how much i love and appreciate him. he just smiled and patted me on the arm and tried to get me to let him go ("okay you go now," he said), but i wouldn't let him go. i finally did and walked away happily.

i awakened not remembering the dream. but as i stepped into the shower, i sensed that crying-all-night feeling. and i remembered. and i was a little bit sad. sad, cuz that's not quite yet where our relationship is. but just a little because the gap between the dream and my reality is no longer as large as it used to be. i had a similar dream when i was a teenager. papa held my hand as we were simply shopping at a mall together and he gave me money and told me to go ahead and buy the dress i wanted. i didn't cry in the dream, but i woke up and then started crying cuz i knew that wasn't at all the reality. and as i analyze the difference between the two dreams, i see how they're from completely different perspectives. as a teenager, i saw my dad as someone to buy me things and hold my hand. now, in my mid... okay, past mid-20s, he doesn't have to get me presents. i don't look to him for that. now, i just want him to know me or seek to know me. that's what the presents symbolized. his love and appreciation for his only daughter. and i'm happy to notice the growth in our relationship, as i'm no longer depressed over the stark difference between the dream and reality. instead, i'm looking forward to making that dream a reality.

i wonder what dream i'll have about our relationship in 10 more years... and i bet i'll cry again as i journal that too.