Monday, June 06, 2005
and so it continues...
i cried myself to sleep tonight. well, i suppose not completely to sleep as i'm awake typing this now. i've been feeling quite shitty lately, not surprisingly i suppose. it's part of the whole process, i know. familiar, though always difficult. filled with, yup, spontaneous crying. love that part. the somehow painful, but at the same time healing power of tears, heaving heartache and pouring out the pain in the drops of saline...
i got off the phone with mina quite a while ago. and we got cut off our conversation as my home phone was dying. i told her to call me back on my cell phone but maybe she misunderstood or just got busy. i got caught up anyway watching tv - my source of anesthesia these days. there wasn't even anything on, just old movies... like beaches. i was watching it on the "w" network for goodness' sake, to tell you the mood of my evening. i actually haven't been feeling well, but i have a feeling it's not for physical reasons anymore. most of me just wants to stay in bed and not deal with anything. and this morning in particular, i woke up with an awful pain in my stomach. i've been so stressed out between all the stuff with glenn, worrying about money stuff and decision stuff, idiot people around me stuff, and now car stuff... well, crap, i can almost feel the stress eating up my insides. oh, i know why mentioned mina at the beginning of the paragraph. well, obviously, i thought of her as i was watching beaches. if you didn't know, one of the friends in the movie dies. it's so funny cuz mina and i were just talking about that sometime recently as well. i dunno what her paranoid mind was thinking of, but somehow she was thinking of her dying and asked if i'd be there. "of course i would!" i said. and as the lady in the movie was dying, crap, a tear here, a tear there, then out of nowhere, i was bawling. and i let myself cry, not stopping myself. even encouraging it. i needed to cry, to let out all the stress and emotions. i know it's been building up. i thought maybe i'd have a release at church yesterday, but no. it came with a sappy movie. i should have known. i'm such a sucker for those. i cried for a friendship that's carefully and strongly developing, even with the last 10 (9?) weeks she has left in town before she moves away for school. i cried for a relationship that ended. i cried just to release the stress and be able to breathe again. anyway, as sad as it sounds, i really welcomed it. it was a good healthy cry and i know it's a step toward healing.
and then there's hope...
marianne's always been a source of great hope for me. i remember meeting her a lil while ago, maybe a couple years ago? heheh, i remember her turning 27 and thinking how old that somehow sounds. well, it'll be my turn at the end of the summer and it's not so bad. hehehe. i remember hearing the story of her journey... it had come in a time in my life when i felt like i was just beginning my journey. so i felt like she was about a couple years ahead of me. i like people like that in my life. my aunt's 7 years older than me and i feel like she's a life step or 2 from me. someone who i can look to for advice and see how she lived life. banne's the same way, just a lil closer. there's something similar about the situations we've come across and seeing how happy she is now, i totally smile and look forward to it. she's come so far and still has so much difficulty that she constantly overcomes. but she always handles everything with grace and i'm so happy that she's found a love that's so powerful that i can sense it with every word she writes and every word she speaks. if i'm following in her footsteps, then goodness, i'm excited for the future. thank you Lord.
kay, i'm ready for bed now. g'nite.
i got off the phone with mina quite a while ago. and we got cut off our conversation as my home phone was dying. i told her to call me back on my cell phone but maybe she misunderstood or just got busy. i got caught up anyway watching tv - my source of anesthesia these days. there wasn't even anything on, just old movies... like beaches. i was watching it on the "w" network for goodness' sake, to tell you the mood of my evening. i actually haven't been feeling well, but i have a feeling it's not for physical reasons anymore. most of me just wants to stay in bed and not deal with anything. and this morning in particular, i woke up with an awful pain in my stomach. i've been so stressed out between all the stuff with glenn, worrying about money stuff and decision stuff, idiot people around me stuff, and now car stuff... well, crap, i can almost feel the stress eating up my insides. oh, i know why mentioned mina at the beginning of the paragraph. well, obviously, i thought of her as i was watching beaches. if you didn't know, one of the friends in the movie dies. it's so funny cuz mina and i were just talking about that sometime recently as well. i dunno what her paranoid mind was thinking of, but somehow she was thinking of her dying and asked if i'd be there. "of course i would!" i said. and as the lady in the movie was dying, crap, a tear here, a tear there, then out of nowhere, i was bawling. and i let myself cry, not stopping myself. even encouraging it. i needed to cry, to let out all the stress and emotions. i know it's been building up. i thought maybe i'd have a release at church yesterday, but no. it came with a sappy movie. i should have known. i'm such a sucker for those. i cried for a friendship that's carefully and strongly developing, even with the last 10 (9?) weeks she has left in town before she moves away for school. i cried for a relationship that ended. i cried just to release the stress and be able to breathe again. anyway, as sad as it sounds, i really welcomed it. it was a good healthy cry and i know it's a step toward healing.
and then there's hope...
marianne's always been a source of great hope for me. i remember meeting her a lil while ago, maybe a couple years ago? heheh, i remember her turning 27 and thinking how old that somehow sounds. well, it'll be my turn at the end of the summer and it's not so bad. hehehe. i remember hearing the story of her journey... it had come in a time in my life when i felt like i was just beginning my journey. so i felt like she was about a couple years ahead of me. i like people like that in my life. my aunt's 7 years older than me and i feel like she's a life step or 2 from me. someone who i can look to for advice and see how she lived life. banne's the same way, just a lil closer. there's something similar about the situations we've come across and seeing how happy she is now, i totally smile and look forward to it. she's come so far and still has so much difficulty that she constantly overcomes. but she always handles everything with grace and i'm so happy that she's found a love that's so powerful that i can sense it with every word she writes and every word she speaks. if i'm following in her footsteps, then goodness, i'm excited for the future. thank you Lord.
kay, i'm ready for bed now. g'nite.
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quotable quotes
-
"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks
nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, live, and love."
~unknown
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
~ Abraham Lincoln
"live a life that others will remember years from now, NOT because it pointed to you but because of how it pointed to the One who made you."
~ Mark Hart, the Bible Geek
"we grow up learning to become self-reliant, but really we need to be God-reliant"
"we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box"
"never wound hearts that love u, never give them the endless pain, because wounded hearts are like roses that never bloom"
"there comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we'd let go"
