Wednesday, July 13, 2005
bittersweet
so i got out of the world youth day trip. the organizer called me today to let me know that the travel agent is able to change the names on the tickets that were already booked. the charge would be $300 for this, plus i'd forfeit the travel insurance that i had purchased. total damage for cancellation would be $470. so yay, right? that was my initial reaction to the news. i had told myself that i was willing to shell out max of $500-700 to cancel this trip and if it was more, then i'm going. well, God's so good, he brought it to just under the limit i had set for myself. i was ecstatic at the news.
He's so funny. i try so hard to discern what He wants of me and sometimes i want it to be straight-forward and to make it easy to decide. so i was thinking, okay, Lord, wherever you want me, i'll go there. i'll just follow whatever plan you lead me toward. so when the organizer told me earlier that i'd lose like half my money, i settled into it-that i was going on this trip. so i accepted it and was okay with it. like i said before, maybe He's got a larger plan, so who am i to interfere with it? and then today, when i got this news, well shoot, i jumped at it of course! it is what i want. so i got my way... but am i happy with this? i initially was. but as the day went on, and i think about it more, i feel like i didn't quite make the right choice. i mean, i got what i wanted. but i don't know that it's where He wants me to be. i was thinking at first that maybe He just wanted to see me surrender myself to Him and His will, to serve without hesitation. but all the while, He was really going to give me what I want after all. so, cool, right? but, what if He wanted to see me make that choice for myself? what if he presented me with an out to see if i'd still choose to serve Him and these kids? if that's the test, then i obviously failed.
i feel like i took the easy road out. that i didn't give of myself generously. i've been so annoyed at the process and saw it all as one large obligation. and i counted the costs, rather than giving freely. so often i listen to the song in my head ~ the Prayer for Generosity. and today, i feel like i didn't live it.
Teach me to be generous
Teach me to serve you as I should
To give and not to count the cost
To fight and not to heed the wounds
To toil and not to seek for rest
To labor and ask not for reward
Save that of knowing that I do
Your most holy will.
Days has taught me this lesson, but maybe i missed the lesson during this crossroad. maybe i'm supposed to broaden my service and get out of my comfort zone. and this time, i failed to recognize it, i failed to step up.
Comments:
Post a Comment
quotable quotes
-
"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks
nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, live, and love."
~unknown
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
~ Abraham Lincoln
"live a life that others will remember years from now, NOT because it pointed to you but because of how it pointed to the One who made you."
~ Mark Hart, the Bible Geek
"we grow up learning to become self-reliant, but really we need to be God-reliant"
"we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box"
"never wound hearts that love u, never give them the endless pain, because wounded hearts are like roses that never bloom"
"there comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we'd let go"
