Friday, September 30, 2005
courtesy of verwin's friendster blog
FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing
a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet,
with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that
many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I
believe this is the #1 mistake people make when
they date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love.
Though this may sound "not politically correct",
there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather,
love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me
say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship
on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you're serious about finding and keeping a life
partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time
to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each
other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You
need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow
together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people
out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work,
you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom
line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate
openly with this person. The basis of having good
communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get
"punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts
and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive
person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on
this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher
of mine defines a good person as "someone who is
always
striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about
your significant other:What do they do with their
time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority
is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the
world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth
and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.
You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-
absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:
How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do
they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You
can be sure that someone who treats others poorly,
will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after
they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You
can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person
the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more
with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you
get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great
feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be
loved from a distance..
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go
of or at least minimize your time with draining,
negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention..
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on
a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel
better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or
don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will
become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front
row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married,
keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one
eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to
someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open,
and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you
compliment and compromise with each other, or do you
compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the
relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past
hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone
else responsible for your happiness or responsible for
your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call,
touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING
INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND
ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and
dishonesty; and pain will replace it.
Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.
When it comes to making the decision about choosing
a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet,
with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that
many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Miss. Right!
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're
getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I
believe this is the #1 mistake people make when
they date. Choosing a life partner should never be
based on love.
Though this may sound "not politically correct",
there's a profound truth here.
Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather,
love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me
say it again: "You can't build a lifetime relationship
on love alone"; You need a lot more!!!
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if
you're serious about finding and keeping a life
partner.
QUESTION ..1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If
you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time
to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each
other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You
need to share something deeper and more meaningful.
You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow
together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people
out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work,
you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom
line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION ..2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings
and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your
relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate
openly with this person. The basis of having good
communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get
"punished"; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts
and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive
person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on
this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the
person you plan to marry.
QUESTION ..3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive
person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves? A teacher
of mine defines a good person as "someone who is
always
striving to be good and do the right ";. So ask about
your significant other:What do they do with their
time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a
materialistic person is not someone whose top priority
is character refinement.
There are essentially two types of people in the
world: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth
and (2) people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will
put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.
You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION ..4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any
relationship work is the ability to give. By giving,
we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to
others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-
absorbed? To measure this, think about the following:
How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers,
etc.. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do
they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don't
have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You
can be sure that someone who treats others poorly,
will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION ..5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change
about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone
with the intention of trying to "improve"; them after
they're married. As a colleague of mine puts it: "You
can probably expect someone to change after marriage
for the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person
the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry
them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and
treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more
with your head and less with your heart.
It pays to be as objective as possible when you are
dating; to be sure to ask questions that will help you
get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great
feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble
because you didn't do your homework.
Another perspective...
There are some people in your life that need to be
loved from a distance..
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go
of or at least minimize your time with draining,
negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships. Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention..
Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on
a path of growth uphill and which ones are going
downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel
better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or
don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?
The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and truth around you...the easier it will
become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front
row and who should be moved to the balcony of your
life.
An African proverb states, "Before you get married,
keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one
eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitment to
someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open,
and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults aren't really that
important.
Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you
compliment and compromise with each other, or do you
compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the
relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past
hurt, past mistrust, past pain?
You can't take someone to the altar to alter them.
You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.
If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment,
and "a life"; you won't find yourself making someone
else responsible for your happiness or responsible for
your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the
wrong reasons to be in a relationship.
WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call,
touch, notes, etc.)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING
INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND
ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will
erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and
dishonesty; and pain will replace it.
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quotable quotes
-
"To try is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the
greatest hazard of life is to risk nothing. The person who risks
nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. He may avoid
suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn, feel, change,
grow, live, and love."
~unknown
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
~ Abraham Lincoln
"live a life that others will remember years from now, NOT because it pointed to you but because of how it pointed to the One who made you."
~ Mark Hart, the Bible Geek
"we grow up learning to become self-reliant, but really we need to be God-reliant"
"we could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box"
"never wound hearts that love u, never give them the endless pain, because wounded hearts are like roses that never bloom"
"there comes a time when we have to stop loving someone not because that person has stopped loving us but because we have found out that they'd be happier if we'd let go"
