footprints in my heart...

did you ever wake up with a feeling that you've been crying all night? i sometimes have dreams where i've been crying. and i wake up not with puffy eyes, but with a tired chest and heart. you know, like after crying, not just tears, but with hiccups and heavy boo-hoo-ing. it hasn't happened often for me. but i remember these emotional dreams well.

last night's dream was actually a pretty happy one. it was about me and my dad. we've had a pretty difficult relationship as i was growing up, especially during the teenage years. (didn't we all?) and even through college, communication was never great... or even existent. and i always kind of wished that i had a dad that i could talk to or have something in common with. like those on tv. they'd help you with homework and give you advice... well, that wasn't my reality. we drifted apart a lot, talking only of basketball and always feeling like i was never good enough... or good at all. he was always concerned about my character. and although he was always proud of my academic achievement, he was always more concerned about the kind of person i am. throughout high school and college, there was always a battle between what i wanted to do and what he thought i should be doing. at one point, i brought up the classic, "you're raising me in america!" and he responded with the very true, "but you're still a filipina!" *sigh* fast foward 10 years and here we are. it's not a tv land relationship by any means. but there is a growing relationship. i ask him about things and he responds as best he knows. we talk about my career, our family and sports (thank god for basketball!) we talk about politics and still disagree. but it's definitely not the cold war that i lived through as a teenage girl. i understand him a lot more and we've both learned to love and accept each other as we are.

so back to the dream. it's months after my birthday (oh, sorta like now). i was sitting on the floor of my room cleaning and my mom handed me 2 little boxes, one was smaller than the other, both gift wrapped with a teenie tiny tag that said: to tootsie rose from papa. and i said, aww, he didn't have to! my mom said to open it and i opened the little one first. it was a pair of earrings like the ones i had when i was a little girl. little studs of periwinkle blue stone. they were slightly larger than the ones i had as a child, but still the same stone. i thought it was very sentimental, like he put so much thought into it and i started crying in the dream. then my mom urged me to open the other one and i did. i tipped the box upside down to empty its contents into my hand and out came a porcelain figurine of winnie the pooh! it was white and very lovely. (there was a time when i loved pooh and tigger. i'm pretty much over it now.) but for him to take the time and effort to find out what things i liked, kahit na outdated (even if it's outdated), i thought that that was a really nice gesture! i "awwww-ed" over the little pooh bear and cried even more. he was sitting in a chair out in the kitchen and i ran to him and gave him a big hug from the back(we're not this affectionate normally at all) and just kept hugging him while telling him how much i love and appreciate him. he just smiled and patted me on the arm and tried to get me to let him go ("okay you go now," he said), but i wouldn't let him go. i finally did and walked away happily.

i awakened not remembering the dream. but as i stepped into the shower, i sensed that crying-all-night feeling. and i remembered. and i was a little bit sad. sad, cuz that's not quite yet where our relationship is. but just a little because the gap between the dream and my reality is no longer as large as it used to be. i had a similar dream when i was a teenager. papa held my hand as we were simply shopping at a mall together and he gave me money and told me to go ahead and buy the dress i wanted. i didn't cry in the dream, but i woke up and then started crying cuz i knew that wasn't at all the reality. and as i analyze the difference between the two dreams, i see how they're from completely different perspectives. as a teenager, i saw my dad as someone to buy me things and hold my hand. now, in my mid... okay, past mid-20s, he doesn't have to get me presents. i don't look to him for that. now, i just want him to know me or seek to know me. that's what the presents symbolized. his love and appreciation for his only daughter. and i'm happy to notice the growth in our relationship, as i'm no longer depressed over the stark difference between the dream and reality. instead, i'm looking forward to making that dream a reality.

i wonder what dream i'll have about our relationship in 10 more years... and i bet i'll cry again as i journal that too.

my work has bible studies every monday and although i don't often attend, the leader gave us "The Daily Bread," a tiny booklet with little food-for-the-soul-type short messages. you read it every day and it's a little soul snack. well, i've been trying to catch up cuz i was left behind from last wednesday. i thought i'd share this excerpt. we can all use a little encouragement to keep us from straying. enjoy!

Feeding the Wolf
Read: Romans 6:15-23

Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts. ~Romans 13:14

There's a story about an old Cherokee chief sitting before a flickering fire with his grandson. the boy had broken a tribal taboo, and his grandpa wanted to help him understand what made him do it. "it's like we have two wolves inside us," said the chief. "One is good, the other is bad. Both demand our obedience."

"Which one wins?" asked the boy.

"The one we feed!" said the wise old chief.

Every follower of Jesus Christ can identify with that struggle. We fight an ongoing battle with selfish and sinful desires. They rise up within us and put incredible pressure on us to satisfy them. They are like ravenous hungers and unquenchable thirsts. First they are small "harmless" desires, but they grow stronger and can ultimately control us (Romans 6:16).

To resist we must believe what the Bible tells us about temptation's power. We must also believe that the Holy Spirit will help us to resist or to break free from its power.

But then comes the hard part. When an evil desire demands to be fed, we must say no-perhaps again and again and again. Paul said, "Make no provision for the flesh" (13:14)

Remember, what we feed will control us.
~ Dave Egner

surprise, surprise. my dizziness is gone. how did i cure it? i ate. big surprise. geez, my system really shuts down when i don't get food in it. i had a pretty big lunch, spending $20 just on myself. but for health purposes, hey, that's a cheap price to pay, right?

i went to zono sushi, a convenient and good enough place to get japanese food. they have good lunch specials for $6.95 with 2 choices of a variety of items with miso soup, salad, rice and stuff. but i obviously didn't choose that economical plan today. i had a craving of dynamite cuz i wanted something creamy like honey walnut shrimp in the chinese places or dynamite. and i felt like a hand roll, so i got a spider hand roll. and they had good fresh fish, so i also had some yellowtail sashimi. i'm trying to get used to more wasabi in my soy sauce and it was a very yummy accompaniment. well, the dynamite took so freakin long that i already finished the miso, the appetizer (2 cut tiny rolls of baked fish with masago and mayonnaise), the sashimi, and the hand roll, and i still had to wait a lil while for the dish to come out. oh i was so sad that i was almost full though, cuz it looked so good. it was warm and creamy, with lots of masago on top. it also had these sprouts that have this spicy kick to it. alas, i only ate a third or a fourth of it cuz i was so full from everything else. it's okay, though. my brothers love dekuating (taking without asking) food that i bring home. they'll like this one. oh, and they even gave me dessert: 2 slices of sweet oranges and 2 little cookies like the ones i used to eat when i was little and 2 little sticks, one dipped in chocolate, the other in strawberry... you know, like those things you buy at the asian food market. i love it! i walk out with the 2 little sticks in my hand completely satisfied and happy, like i'm a kid that just got bought what she wanted at the candy store. it was quite a joyful moment. hehehe! and all this joy for food!

and the best part of lunch today was that it took away my dizziness. i should've known. whenever there's something wrong with me, it can usually be attributed to one of two things: pms or hunger. it was a toss up today as i'm expecting my monthly visitor anyday now. but i'm glad it was easily solved with food. i didn't wanna have to go to the doctor just for being dizzy. most problems can often be resolved by feeding me. gl says i'm a fat girl stuck in a skinny girl's body. well, it could be worse. i love food and food loves me! hehehe!

i don't know what's wrong with me. i'm sooooo dizzy. i was completely fine driving this morning and then right as i turned into the parking lot, i started to get dizzy. i thought it'd just go away, but i was walking down the hallway toward my cube and i started leaning toward my left. i sat down in my chair and still dizzy. it's worse when i put my head down, like to write something. and it was really really bad when i had to bend down to fill up my water bottle at the water cooler. i'm okay while sitting and my head is upright, but anything more, oh my goodness! i'm sooo dizzy! and i dunno why, cuz i ate a sufficient dinner. i don't normally eat breakfast so there wasn't anything out of the ordinary today. aughhh, it's soo weird!

while the cat is gone... the mouse will play

it's been forever and a day, i know. and i've missed it. i've missed blogging, and i've missed reading blogs. some of yours, i read to laugh at the randomness, some of yours, i read for inspiration. some things have changed, some have remained the same in the bloggity blog world. i've gotten news late, i've been out of touch with lots. well, i'm not resolving to be back again full force. i just don't have the same amount of time as i used to when i was just temp-ing here at kaiser. but as soon as i get my new computer (woohoo!) this week, i'll at least be reading and commenting more often. and maybe a few entries will even be written.

some things i really wanted to note for posterity:
~ my birthday celebration was a little tough to schedule. my real birthday fell on a monday and i wanted to have dinner with my family. the weekend before was the days with the lord retreat from friday to sunday, so partying that weekend was completely out. the thursday before, gl & i had committed to attending verwin's show, so that night was out. that's why it was on wednesday that we had a lovely gathering at banana bay in rowland heights. i love that place. it accomodates groups of 20some, has very good cheap prices and great food. the location is central enough too. maybe not to l.a. or irvine peeps, but heck, they're both equally far at least. i was surprised that i even got some presents. the best present of all, really though, was just that people came out. especially long-time friends that i really don't see very often. the company and the fact that you came really meant a lot to me and i thank you for coming to help celebrate my life. it's really been a rather good year and i have so much to be thankful for. so thanx for your friendship, new and old!

~ the days weekend. *sigh* for those who weren't there, we needed your presence. for those who were there, thank God you were there. it was a tough weekend, but everyone pulled together and it was wonderful to see this community work so well together even when we hardly see each other. it was personally stressful and with 3 participants, why wouldn't it be? but in the end of it all, all was wonderful, just as God ordained it to be.

~ a surprise (well, not really, cuz i knew about it, but i forgot, so i was still surprised) that weekend was that r came. heheeh, initial shock to my system as i haven't seen him in forever. and you know how it is when you see ex's. you wanna look your best. well, crap, it was the afternoon and i hadn't showered yet. i was too busy running around like a chicken with my head cut off. so i was talking with some other friends and i saw r outside through the doorway, looking lost. the first thought i had was, oh, i'm glad he came. i know it'll mean a lot to mina. and the next thought that came out was, dang it, i look like crap; i haven't even showered yet. then the calculation starts: do i shower now? but i don't want it to seem like i'm showering cuz he's here, plus i don't really wanna shower right now and i don't have time. plus i don't really care all that much, it's just me being silly. so i don't shower. and i eventually see him and say hi. later, as dexie and i continue to do our task, i'm falling asleep (due to tiredness and lack of sleep the night before) and just generally feeling blech. she kept telling me to take a shower so i'd feel better. and what goes through my head? crap, i don't want it to seem like i'm showering cuz the ex is here. but a shower will make me feel better. do i shower, do i not? screw it, i'm showering for myself not for him! i'm showering. understand that these thoughts occured within 1 second. dang, all that forethought just for a shower. how complicated i make things sometimes. it was funny though and i crack up cuz it was the most unimportant concern during the whole weekend and i dwelled on it for all too long, 1 second too long. hehhe, silliness!

~ hmm, what else happened that weekend... oh, the dana story. r hasn't met dana or many of the dazers that weekend. they introduce themselves to each other and it somehow comes out that r is my ex. and dana goes, oh YOU'RE r! now add to it a leaning backward motion as if to get away from him. it was hilarious, okay crap, re-reading it now, it doesn't read very hilarious. will someone else retell the story in the comments box? i know some of you lurkers out there can retell it better.

~ mina's story. oh dang it, this one's a better story, but it ruins certain surprises of the retreat. if you're a dazer and haven't heard the story, call or email me.

~ dinner with my family at saigon bistro was great! good food, cheap food, good conversation even! heheh and after all these years of eating there, i finally found out the server's name. his family owns the restaurant and my dad even spoke some french with him. i forget how cultured my dad is sometimes. that he lived in switzerland for a year and traveled around europe. it was a lovely birthday dinner with my family.

~ hawaii! well, you've seen the pix below hopefully. it was a great time. very very different than last time, as it really should be. the food was great, but i'm looking forward to more different kinds next time. also, i don't wanna do the tourist stuff anymore. i need to see the local beaches. i really really really wanna learn how to surf. i could stay in that ocean for hours (as i did during the snorkeling cruise-3 hours without getting out of the water except to go down the slide!) and i really have to jump off that big ol' rock in waimea beach. like last time, we drove by it as i waved bye to that awesome rock. and i really wanna spend some time in the windward beaches, lanikai, cromwell's, kaneohe bay. *sigh* i miss it already.

~ i went to the beach the thursday after i came back. i was still recovering from the nasty bacteria i caught in hawaii and stayed home from work. slept until 3pm, then it was too hot to even sleep, so my brother and i went to the beach. it wasn't too crowded at all as it was already past labor day. and the beach was decently clean. i was actually surprised to notice that the water is fairly clear in huntington beach. the waves were more vigorous than hawaii's at this time of year and i was battling waves and losing that fight. i was thrashed about so badly that my contacts were swept away, leaving my eyesight completely blurry! plus when i came out, talagang hingal na hingal ako (i was really really out of breath!)!

~ a fabulous date! no not with gl, but with mina! it's been so long since we've gotten together and just had fun talking and laughing. she told me her wonderful awwww proposal story and we talked about the stresses of the wedding planning. but we had a very lovely time talking about themes and colors and other wedding-y things. we also talked about hawaii and our adventures there. i treasure these moments especially after basically losing a year with each other. it certainly took awhile, but i'm glad our friendship is stronger because of it.

okay, so that's the update for the past 4 weeks or so. hopefully, i won't be gone too long. pray that i get my new computer soon!

thanx cici!

thursday: arrival, waikiki, blowhole, pali, plumeria cafe
friday: nam's arrival, u of h, zippy's, catamaran cruise, nair, zanzabar
saturday: diamondhead, pearl harbor, north shore, giovanni's shrimp truck, matsumoto's shaved ice, dole plantation, koolina, sansei (not inc h2o camera pics)
sunday: snorkeling, swap meet, atv at kualoa, l'uraku, brew moon (not including h2o camera pics)
monday: polynesian cultural center
tuesday: last minute beach & shopping, airport

as many of you know, i've no more time to bloggy-blog. since i'm here, that can mean only one thing: someone else is ENGAGED!!!

a super duper big congratulations to my best and longest friend mina and her soon-to-be hubby danny! this is the one i've been anticipating for a long time now and i'm so happy for them! i actually called her on friday and left a message saying that i think she just might come back engaged from their 5 year anniversary trip to san francisco. and she called me not even an hour later to share the great news! and she hadn't even heard my message yet! hahah! i was soo giddy after we got off the phone that i stepped out of my cube into my co-workers just to blurt out, "my best friend's engaged!" hehehe, my other male co-worker overheard and just went, "so?" but his cynicism couldn't ruin my joy for my mylynne (nickname). i know they'll be great together! congratulations mina and danny!